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July 21st, 2009
10:08 pm
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August 15th, 2008
06:48 am
It's the start of my day when i see Sam out of the door and the morning of my worries. There has been a lot on my mind recently, thinking got haywired resulted in bad anger management. But least I have left is a friend who has been a disappointment over and over again. I took a long jog yesterday evening , letting myself go free and easy over at the old school stadium near home. It was a long jog, Sam was surprised to find me there as I've never like to jog, at most I take super long walks. I need to unwind, take 2 weeks long of hoilday and backpack in Europe, taking risks here and there while having fun, that's who i want to be.
I'm stressed about life, steps i have to take to make it better and in turn be a support Sam can rely on one day. He has his plans while i have mine, it's easy making plans but when it starts to eat into you, it takes another effort to get rid of it.
Perhaps over at friendships I know my stand, how much to give in and how long i can get anal about discontentment. In my sch years, I've not come to be as vulnerable as losing friends, arguements over perception problems takes like hours to cool off and dang. ... we are back as friends. Fagging coffee talks bond us together knowing our same problems, knowing how to tackle the stupidest idea.
Yesterday, I ended a friendship which got me thinking if i was right about it. There were times I have to bear with her insensitivities, insecurities, now bear with her preganancy. No one needs such reminders like you doing your part and words like "see, two people have to do this .. do that for you." Man, the world doesnt stop evolving when you are pregnant and so what you are pregnant? You have every chance at your grasp to irritate your immediate work mates? I was there to fill in the blanks and shove ideas to help you when there were holes from the constant friction you have with the manager. I took blames for being loyal though they reminded me not to be naive, believe in friendships over work. I told you everything during what went on at appraisal, knowing that you promised not to throw a fit. The aftermath was the assistant manager confronted me for telling you why were you displeased to know that you are not on par with someone who joined the bank later than you.
I am not boasting, I know what and how much I have done, there's no regrets. Remember what i used to say, never throw your entire into a friendship, there's another to top it off, know what went wrong.
No, you were there so determined that you were right about your thoughts. You have got me struck at the back of my head, man! you have no idea what was the root problem. All you saw was the aftermath, ah har! now you feel self righteous. I'll let someone else do the job to prove to you what was your problem. By then, salvaging friendships would be an infinate.
True friends are there to inspire, not investing your insecurities on them and lastly, not to remind them,"hey, i was there for you but you weren't" in conflict messages. I guess you have not noticed that I was behind you all the while watching steps you make, appearing when you fell, yet all you thought was constant presence was everything. I will take my leave, I am not that quarrelsome, hope you find a better contender. You have your good side dont worry one day you will be.
I can go on but it'll defeat it's purpose, what for?
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August 14th, 2008
05:41 pm - From blogspot.. Narh, i prefer it here..
I can feel my bowel feeling a little drowsy from last night's dinner plus this morning's milo worsen its poor. No idea why i come to work everyday, should i be? Repetitions, routine, obscurity, soft murmuring behind walls and the rest are the keys tapping like scooters trodding on the road.. dap dap dap dap. . .. i shall take my leave now, it's toilet time.
Now I'm back with vengence, all set to punch holes on my key board. Lunch time seems too far out there and plans for dinner is gonna need a little cranberry juice from the brain. What's for dinner in the evening? Any suggestions? I am tired of having noodles, my friendly soul mate loves it simple and his girl will love it more if he can finally bring her somewhere else. He has many places in mind, but we end up eating the same stall behind our place everyday.
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August 11th, 2008
06:48 am
i remember i was keeping myself all ready and calm, this morning it wasnt least pleasant. Monday mornings are the grueling start of the marathon. Yet, it was more like a show haywired, people lost their standings, some uttering in bitter bits, the others sighing the whole day. If we were working together, perhaps you could understand what happened this morning. We were the talk of the day, poor workers at the never ending abyss were on the verge of breaking loose letting us pay for our grumbling and nagging. They were the helpdesk, yet made themselves looked helplessly retarded. Nothing beats have someone physical to look into the problem. I stood there looking at the mess, it wasnt fun. I wasnt happy, i wasnt.
Few days ago, I threw my temper at Sam, it was perhaps hunger and constant disrespect of decision making cause the whole outrage. I unbuckled my seat belt, hopped out of a moving vehicle and bid Sam with butts jittering and held my DSLR tightly on my wrist and glare whatever was in front. I had no money with me, just a mobile, camera and a couple of batteries. I kept walking, stepping on puddles, wiping my tears with my shawl, breathing hard till i reached the pedestrians' dead end. I collapsed on the cold thing with stupid panels cursing the designer centuries of stupid inventions. Buses horned as they haplessly drove pass me, giving me the strange looks like a seventh month friend looking for company in the dark.
I started thinking abt dad. Perhaps he was enjoying his time with his 2 daughters going high and dry on the exploding skies, the estranged wife looks for loose change on the floor. I realised I was happy for dad as he has a new family to call dear to, as for me, im always looking for cold breeze in the night all alone no idea where.
Sam spent 3 hrs looking for me, i decided to call it quits, i am hungry and cold, cancelled my diverts and messaged him the sch name i was sitting in front of. He knelt, wiping my tears off my face and carried me to the car. I felt like a fool. If i had kept my temper, if i had stopped being a jackass ruckus, if i had not been a spoilt brat, nothing could have happened.
I'm sorry dear.. . ..
Im getting tired, i need my break. October love, when will i see your shadows? I am a happier tard in a winter's feel.
Though dates are drawing near, i can finally let out a huge sigh. Yuan hong was more like a emotion support, the views he gave, his perceptions are reminders therefore he's seriously a good friend. I still owe him a favour, he was there when i was down and out now I will have to be just a standby for him. I miss Cheryl, Kelvin and Jing fen.. . The hangouts and stuff, i was building castles in the air, dreaming that we might all work under the same Graphic/Advertising agency. Suddenly I think Saatchi and Saatchi.. Dang.. By the way, i think hor, I need to think twice which field i want to go into, Publishing was on my mind, now. ... .. See how it goes.
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August 8th, 2008
11:47 am
I want those!! there there... the last row 2nd pic!!
cute!
I better start getting Sam his cardigan, probably i get him the hooded type, make him go .. . .. .. speechless..
But men who wear hoodies, cute marh... Well talk is cheap, see how it goes? He has been making faces regarding to his request like getting caps to gadgets to which subscriber to change to. I have been delaying his plans therefore before the cold war break out, i better do something about it.. I'm lucky he seldom do cold war, but still once in a while.
enough about him
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August 1st, 2008
July 30th, 2008
05:07 pm - Dear Santa, may i have this for Christmas?
Givenchy Diane Saddle Alligator strap bag
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July 29th, 2008
11:44 am
I think part of me is feeling depressed, the work system and the place itself brings irritable sparks to my intolerable fuse. I dont think i want to be here suffocating myself with indesirable thoughts, it's time to move on. Every morning, i see people, those who are always feeling high and dry i call them leeches. Sucking every humanity on those who they think are unworthy of. Hello! We report to different bosses.. Stop showing us your snot filled holes while you walk, i hope you hit the wall.
This morning, people were grumbling and sorts, some disappointed at the system this reputable corporate has, revenging their frustrations at me. I have gotten irrtated by this job, this company i have, what works there has no proper system, different places and different rules, sometimes it's a bit difficult to differeniate who is the boss. Those at frontline suffers insults and those who should be suffering enjoy the silence behind walls.
I nearly forgo my dreams as a designer, when reality shafted its truths up my ass. There wasnt a reply, yet i was stared at from a short distance during a gathering. That sudden glimpse of her made me realised the similarities between a blinded emperor back in chinese history. Your powerless reign which cause the folks to suffer, will live in hundreds of years to come. No matter where you head to, eyes will be there to deceive you as minds were set.
I am determined to change everything. My job, my financial woes and the dsyfunctional family woes.
i want dreams to come true and bid goodbye to lousy pay.
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July 28th, 2008
04:10 pm
There was a whiff of ginseng and chicken cooking from somewhere, i bent down opened the glass lid, Sam came home in the morning when i was at work. He did the housework, left a love note, I have no idea how to react towards the care he showered.
I love you Sen, I do..
You were there when i needed a shoulder, you were here for coming 9 years.. I am your baby tard, And you are the tard.. Ha.. We are both tardy farty..
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July 26th, 2008
09:27 am
it's been 2 days we had a tiff, i didnt call him unlike normal days where i will. My hands and mind were against the idea, i think i'll be better off alone. The silver lining across the rainy clouds will be getting melancholic-ly moody thus i will stop eating. The body needs to starve as i have gained weight rapidly and unknowingly. In the past i used to have 1 pint of rum and rasin from haagan daaz for all i care as i seldom sleep and chimney like no one cares.But still a hot chick.. AYE! still am ok..
Ever since my biological being has tune its momentum back to normal, eat, work, sleep, hangout, that's all. I dun smoke now, i will later, since Sam doesnt give a hoot about me, then so be it. He can do whatever he can but let time build a bigger gap in between. Another 6 months to go, this relationship will need another 1 more to hit a decade. I'm kinda bored.. Who wants to be my new one? Call me, my secretary will call you back if you are shortlisted.
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July 24th, 2008
01:13 pm
I can't believe i'm trying to lose weight, just had lunch with a tub of salad of leafy greens feeling a little satisifed.
It'll probably rain like it hasnt been for a century and yeah your friend here has no umbrella. Hopefully the bf does a little initiative which includes bringing me for dinner and home preferably.. I was thinking of planting myself for 2 to 3 hrs in the cinema before i head home to meet my fur friends which somehow have to include the crazy Rykiel who thinks the house is her garden running around tripping everything. Barking is not included.
One day that hyperactive puppy will be sent flying out of the window with her bedding if she stop eating her faeces. Normally,Sam's job = throwing garbage, my job = sit there and regret why i didnt hide them..Thus i guess Sam will soon sent her flying without wings.
Guess what Rykiel did last evening? That punk watched me mopped the floor awaiting for water playtime as she knows that i will throw the dirty water in the toilet bowl. As i clean my feet with water, she ran in and sat in front of me with the water running and wetting her butt entirely. Rex hates getting wet, this lady here does the opposit instead. I tried to push her out from the toilet yet she stemmed her tail flat, ok then, i walked out, switched off the lights and said good night to her.
SHE IS STILL IN THE TOILET.
Then I realised she wanted to bathe. Dang.
She went strutting her pinkish white rear while Rex laid in his bed admiring. Lustful thoughts perhaps. I sat in the room overlooking the fence, smiled at the silliness my dogs brought. I went to bed with smiles after forgetting the unhappiness in the day.
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July 22nd, 2008
03:19 pm
All the senses seemed to squirm inside whenever the eyes seemed haughty enough to take a look at her. Her oily hair, volcanic pores screaming for cleansing, probably collect some water over at it's magma. Unsightly thin friends appearing out from the discreet holes, there were 2 strokes of atrocious looking bushed things hanging below the forehead, tarzan swings by side to side looking for jane occasionally. She has a voice roar which like thunder and a behaviour of those aunties who stretches out their dirty hands to steal cans from your tables without shame. Take a chance and permit her to walk pass you, it'll probably smell like some kung bushmen of kalahari desert.
Am i mean?
how not to..
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She happens to be THE NEW CRO..
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let's sigh... humph... ..
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sigh. .. .
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July 6th, 2008
04:17 am
i was bored so i got my camera walked into the calm isolated area and took some pictures.
 
 
If i could hold on longer, i could perhaps get a better picture with the rays gleaming with furious intensity.
 
These 2 nos got me thinking, why do the 1st households get to smell their neighbours dump?
 
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July 4th, 2008
July 3rd, 2008
11:23 pm
im going 10km/hr on the telok blengah, cisco threading beside the large chunk of metal on wheels causing the jam. Winding down the window, i stood out looking back at the traffic, frustrating drivers, customers on their roaring minds cursing and some praying that the meter on the cab doesn't break their hearts. I took a deep breathe of the atmosphere, i wasnt feeling good.
Life's been stifling, it felt miserable, i dont want to live like that, i have to do something, now i look lost. What's holding my damn ass? Reality, my long lost friend haunting me like an overdraft, scorching me ass with bills bills bills.. It prints damn fast too.. one month statement which only charges you for 21 days of usage and damn, you have to live with it, it's considered one month. Then you get duped for being too realistic, you start to think man, should i be so calculative, dang.. there goes a year. Yes, you have to pay with seventy folds.
I tried to be brave, forgiving, tolerating, fake. . yeah, u got me, fake. . . . . This is life. It's wholesome with the fake packaging you can find. Try getting some at all available major supermarkets, frustrations and discontentment all sold separately. Masters or Visa mdm?
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June 29th, 2008
05:52 am
The sky roared with a faint might which happen to cause Rex fear what seems nothing at all. Rykiel sat by her corner looking at him, head tilted to the side, probably teasing Rex in her mind. I woke up few hrs ago from a 5 hr nap which seems forever. I haven't been sleeping like that due to loss of sleep in the night. Sam had to do overtime yesterday before he can drag his feet home, probably came back at 12am, instead of complaining how tiring he was, he told me to go get prepared and dressed for a mid night movie.
Normally he would boorishly ask where to watch, giving that reluctant to go with me cause most of the time i make him watch foreign movies at Arthouse, Cathay. He simply sits there with a twitching butt with sends me discomfort vibes hoping that the show would end early. Last night, he volunteered to send me to the movies, no choice lorh, watch Zohan. He flipped through the show laughing so hard you can feel that he ran out of breathe.
Watching him makes me feel bad for giving him a face before the show because he parked his car like a thousand miles away. I feel loved.
I asked myself has God given me what i didn't need, have a gotten something which is a precious bestowed on me from Him? I can't see it, or should i put it i am still having doubts remembering if such has ever happened. If you never gave what was given to you, how were you to receive it more in return from the Creator? I took out the largest note in my wallet, shaft it into the red suede which was threatening to kiap your hand if you don't take it out quick. I have no idea why i was such a big hole but then i still kept my thoughts in mind.
It came across my mind when i woke up from rest, God has given me a loving character, disallowing me to bear hatred for more than a day or zero evil thoughts. I have always wondered why I have never vie with anyone, being a giver feels awesome, but then sometimes a bit heart pain. Think Christmas gifts. ... ok, slightly off topic.. I feel unique somehow, like a friend who knows nothing about Christ once said she could feel the aura around me.. Now she's a mother for her newborne Tricia, no idea why the name so ah lian, but ah lian also sometimes good marh, they are much simpler and straightforward in personality hor?
I somehow wondered, have I ever been a foot note in someone's life?
Wah i cannot take it anymore, self praise. ..
Im going out for dinner, Sam will be home like in 10 mins.. See you.
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June 10th, 2008
June 9th, 2008
June 4th, 2008
June 1st, 2008
02:45 am
im still thinking what to write here though guilt seeped slowly with the acidic saliva burning the shit out of me. Probably i havent been feeling melancholic for the coming one month, we havent got arguments or least a disagreement. So i deemed there was nothing much to hit livejournal. Though days went on, i felt there was a strange scent lingering in the air around me. A deep yawn takes me to the a dreamland where i could see many people who i came across my life, irregardless of age. It seems as though there was sorrow, a long quietness, somehow i find it really hard to fanthom. I fall into deep sleep where my soul goes into the other side, i havent thought what was it like and all i could feel was peace.
The world's lease is drawing near, while its residents are in the midst of a deep long dream. When will they start waking up?
While i worry about bitter nothings, the sight of sam lightened me up. The out of bed droopy eyes venturing blindly in the dark while he tries to find his towel. I did the right thing, i know it though there was a regret i couldnt say, i hid it under my pillow every night.
I havent been prawning for a super long time, sitting all alone peacefully waiting for the bait to sink , enjoying the thrill of tugging the line with the prawn. Maybe tomorrow ..
off to iron his royal suit..
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iamsamsam's journal
